Michelle F. Morrow

Confession: I am obsessed with Heated Rivalry. I watched it as it released in December. I watched it again immediately. Then, before I let my Max subscription run out a couple weeks later, I watched it a third time. Over the last two months since my last watch, I’ve thought about it almost daily. I’m biding my time until I restart my subscription to watch it again. I’m eagerly anticipating the new deluxe editions of the 6-book series scheduled to release in the Fall.

What is it about this story?

I know the answer to that question intuitively. I can feel it in my body, in my soul, in my smile and laugher and tears. I feel it in the way I yearn for more queer kids to have a dad like Kip’s or parents like Shane’s, and the way I grieve that I do not have parents that have been able to embrace me. I feel it in the way my heart soars every time I listen to “I’ll Believe in Anything,” which I downloaded immediately after watching episode five. I feel it in the way I want to pull my wife closer and hold her tighter and acknowledge all we’ve had to overcome as we’ve grown in our ability to, as the wedding vows we wrote promise, “risk vulnerability so that we might share ourselves fully.”

Honestly, I when I first heard about the show, I wasn’t sure I’d enjoy it. I heard it was going to be “steamy” and men having sex hasn’t ever been appealing to me. I’m not attracted to men, and the aesthetics of the male body are lost on me. However, I was excited to give it a try because more queer stories are a good thing I want to support, and I enjoy hockey. I was completely caught off guard by how the story and the story-telling–even the many sex scenes–drew me in and moved me.

I am captivated by this story.

In moments when I catch myself daydreaming about a scene from the show, I laugh, recognizing that this story has connected with something core to who I am, the path I’ve traversed, and the future I hope for. I feel seen in this story. I also feel inspired and challenged.

We see the development of Shane and Ilya’s relationship over the course of a decade. It begins in episode one with the first time they meet each other as junior hockey players at the world championships. A playful yet serious competitiveness is established right away, a rivalry that they navigate throughout their professional careers. The first five episodes span several years, during which they sometimes only see each other in person once a year, crossing paths when their teams play each other or they participate in special events like the Olympics, All-Stars games or award ceremonies. On the ice they maintain the we-hate-each-other posturing expected of arch rivals, constantly trading number one spots in the league. Off the ice, they secretly explore their sexual attraction and struggle to define and embrace their emotional connection. The worlds they live in do not allow them the freedom to be honest about who they are and what they want, not with themselves or each other, let alone publicly. It is not until Scott courageously risks it all for love in episode five that Shane & Ilya wake up to the possibility of what they previously feared to be impossible. The season culminates with them allowing themselves to dream of and take the first steps toward a future together.

This story, from start to finish, is propelled by a powerful force that breaks down barriers and opens the door to genuine connection and love: curiosity. I loved the images I saw on social media on Valentine’s Day, capitalizing on the exchange between Ilya and Shane during their first hookup.

Ilya: “You make me curious. Do I make you curious?”

Shane: “Obviously.”

Cultivating curiosity

I cannot hear the word “curious” without hearing Emily Nagoski’s voice in my head, encouraging me to “turn toward yourself with curiosity and compassion.” Emily’s work on sex and stress has been a game changer for me, giving me frameworks and evidence-based practices that have contributed to healing, growth and connection in my life. She’s smart, direct, accessible and funny – an absolute joy to read, watch and listen to. As I’ve focused on turning toward myself, others and the world with more curiosity in the last few years, I’ve noticed a posture shift. Curiosity moves me away from fear, anxiety, overwhelm and hopelessness and toward agency, energy, and resilience. Instead of getting stuck in unhelpful (often shame-based) patterns, it opens me up to new possibilities.

Though I didn’t have this language at the time, I think practicing curiosity is what ultimately saved my life 15 years ago when I set out on a journey of reexamining my faith alongside an honest exploration of my sexuality. The world I had been living in had no room for the real me, and I spent the first 30 years of my life learning to mask myself and perform as expected. It was the only way I knew to chase after the belonging and security I so desperately craved. But it never worked, and when I woke up to the fact that that world would never be one in which I could be loved or thrive as I am, I ventured out beyond it to seek new possibilities.

Early on in that stretch of my journey, I met a woman that made me curious. And I was finally in a place where I allowed myself to follow that curiosity. After dating long-distance for 10 months, I moved cross-country to be with her, and a year later we got married. We’ve created a life with each other for the last 12 years–full of beautiful and awkward, healing and painful, and perfectly imperfect moments of connection and missed connection–during which we’re always learning how to love each other well. When we are in a space of fear or anxiety, we experience more disconnection. When we can turn toward ourselves and each other with curiosity and compassion, we experience more authentic connection that strengthens our relationship and makes life more hopeful and expansive.

These days it often feels like loving each other is the only thing keeping me from being pulled under by the chaos of a world dead set against authenticity, belonging and love. The world that seeks to consume and exploit us often feels like the thing that is most real, that defines reality now and for the future. When that world captures my imagination–my way of seeing and understanding everything–I feel like I’ll be crushed under the weight of it. It becomes much easier to disconnect, to numb or distract or exhaust myself in an endless loop of rage that doesn’t find a way into the necessary fight.

But then a story comes along that reminds me that that world is not the truest thing. Though that world dominates one reality, it is not the only reality. There are other worlds at work, other futures that are possible. When I watched Scott wave Kip down onto the ice after his cup win, I was right on the edge of my seat alongside Shane and Ilya. They spent so much time and energy hiding their relationship and holding each other at a “safe” distance because it seemed impossible for them to really be together. The curiosity that drew them toward each other was trapped behind the barriers that prevented them from seeing a path forward. When Scott kissed Kip for all the world to see, the floodgates opened for Shane and Ilya. (Watch scene here).

Ilya: “I’m coming to the cottage.”

A new world, a new future opened up in that moment. The season finale at the cottage showed us where curiosity and courage leads. Playfulness. Tenderness. Dreaming. Acceptance. Healing. Growth. Love.

Naked and not ashamed.

Curiosity–an openness to newness and the courageous seeking of a truer reality–has led me to a future I never thought was possible, one where I more fully know love than ever before. It invites me to return to the cottage as much as I am able, a place away from the noise of the world I do not want to live in where I am freer to dream new worlds into existence. From that place of connection, I move out into my life better able to face the challenges ahead and contribute to the creation of a world where we can all thrive.