Michelle F. Morrow

That’s “all the distance this poor girl can take.” Nine years ago today I decided to move to Nashville to be with the woman I love. We had been in a 2155-mile-long-distance relationship for nine months, and I couldn’t stand to be apart from her anymore. A move to Tennessee was not part of my plan, but circumstances prevented her from moving to California at that time. As we later promised each other in our wedding vows, “Ours will be a life of embrace.” I’m full of gratitude as I remember all the ways and moments we’ve opened ourselves up to each other and chosen to cultivate a shared life. We’ve built a home in each other’s arms.

I’ve learned that the decision to “embrace” is one that we make countless times and in different ways throughout each season of our lives. I’ve moved cross-country four times now as we’ve searched for a place where we might flourish. I’m hoping “countless” does not apply to moving. Together we’ve opened ourselves to new possibilities. We’ve experienced joy and heartbreak along the way, which is bound to happen when you “risk vulnerability” (also part of our wedding vows). Through every twist and turn, we’ve chosen to turn toward each other for strength and support. That movement toward embrace sometimes happens naturally and quickly. Other times it has required we wrestle long and hard through fear and tend the wounded parts of ourselves that have experienced turning away or shutting down as the only way to survive. It amazes me how much we’ve grown in our capacity to see, understand and love each other. I trust that we’ll embrace that growing process for the rest of our lives.

Kim’s job requires regular travel, and her current trip means seven days apart. When I got home from work today, I felt a surge of excitement. Only one more day until she returns. Until we are in each other’s arms again. Until I feel at home again.

For the first 34 years of my life, I felt like I didn’t belong anywhere. I tried every way I knew how to create a place for myself, a community in which I could deeply connect in relationship. I wanted to be seen, understood, loved. For most of that time I didn’t know how to belong to myself. It didn’t feel safe to be fully honest about who I am–not with myself, not with others. I spent so much energy shutting down the parts of myself that seemed a threat to being accepted. The parts that I feared no one would love. I had good reasons to be afraid. As I’ve embraced myself and risked showing up authentically in the places I hoped I belonged, I have experienced incredible loss and pain because of rejection and exclusion. I honestly doubted whether I’d ever find the love and belonging I longed for. The “life of embrace” I live with my wife is a continual journey of healing. Belonging with her helps me trust my experience of belonging to myself. I feel freer to show up “wholeheartedly” in my life.

I’ve been listening all day to the “Love” playlist Kim shared with me. Of course “our song” is on there:

I built my house upon this rock, baby, everyday with you
There's nothing in that town I need after everything we've been through
Me out in my garden and you out on your walk
Is all the distance this poor girl can take without listening to you talk
I don't need their money, baby
Just you and me on the rock
-You and Me On the Rock, Brandi Carlile

Our embrace is shelter within a challenging world. In less than 30 hours, I’ll feel its warmth wrapped around me.

Other favorites from the playlist:

If you think of me, if you miss me once in a while
Then I'll return to you
I'll return and fill that space in your heart
Remembering your touch, your kiss, your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
If you'll be waiting
-The Promise, Tracy Chapman

You know the things that I'm afraid of
I'm not afraid to tell
And if we ever leave a legacy
It's that we loved each other well...
Cause we're ok, we're fine
Baby, I'm here to stop your crying
Chase all the ghosts from your head
I'm stronger than the monster beneath your bed
Smarter than the tricks played on your heart
We'll look at them together, then we'll take them apart
Adding up the total of a love that's true
Multiply life by the power of two
-Power of Two, Indigo Girls